Conflicting Emotions

I’ve spent most of this week with my head down working on the second Funky Diva Vibes deck, this one is all about affirmations.

I’ve been formatting, tweaking, checking, going back and checking again.

It’s the kind of work that needs you to be methodical, focused, paying attention to detail… which definitely isn’t where I naturally thrive.

I like the bigger picture, the ideas and the energy of something coming to life.

This bit of the process is the bit where you can lose where you’re up to if you drift off for even a second. And I did notice myself drifting, finding other things to do first, the rabbit hole of Instagram posts, scrolling Facebook etc. Although I didn’t procrastifaff as far as tidying something that didn’t need tidying or spring cleaning – that’s progress!

I knew i was avoiding starting each day basically.

Not because I didn’t want it finished. Quite the opposite if im honest. It’s because it matters plus I find it boring so it’s hard work.

And when something matters plus being boring and hard work, it’s funny how quickly the brain can go… let’s just do something easier instead.

What kept me going was the bit at the end of each day, sending teaser videos or voice note updates to my sponsorsin the whatsapp chat group.

Little glimpses of what I’d been creating, enough to give a feel for it without giving it all away.

That bit of my week was enough for me to feel like me again. Creative, fun and playful, thinking how can I show this without showing it.

And it made me realise something I think a lot of us forget.

Even when you’re in the middle of something that doesn’t feel like “your thing”… there’s usually a way to bring yourself back into it and a way to make it yours.

At the same time, life was doing what life does, layering things in.

My son Finn rang (a rare occurrence).

He’s been in Australia since February last year, and ive been quietly counting down to him coming home when his visa runs out in a few weeks.

Only now… that might not be happening.😭

There’s a possibility of sponsorship, which means he could definitely stay there for two more years.

I held it together while we were on the phone. I talked it through with him so he could figure out how he was feeling about it. It was a big surprise to him as much as me.

Then I got off the phone and cried. Proper cried, and the tears kept spilling out for the rest of the day. They were the kind that make your eyes feel sore and a bit tight.

I felt so conflicted, because it’s double emotion at the same time.

I am genuinely so proud of him. His independence, his work ethic, creating opportunities, making his own life...albeit on the other side of the world.

And at the same time I miss him like mad. I wish he’d pick up the phone more like my friend’s daughters all do. I wish I didn’t feel quite so detached from his day-to-day world.

Distance and uncertainty, both sitting there together, side by side.

I’ve always said “roots and wings” and meant it.

But no one really talks about what it feels like in your body when the wings bit actually happens, it’s hard to reconcile.

In amongst all of that, I’ve been walking. Yes! You read that right.

Nothing dramatic, I’ve not donned a pair of hiking boots and a backpack or anything. I’ve just been trying a few YouTube routines, “Get fit with Rick” a bit of music and jigging about in my pj’s in the bedroom as a start to getting some steps in.

A few months ago, I couldn’t even picture myself doing this without ending up in more pain than it was worth.

Don’t get me wrong, i’m still stiff and achey and I’m definitely not bounding around like some fitness influencer.

But I’m doing it and I’m currently up to 2–3k ‘steps’ a day which I’m dead chuffed about given this time last year I could barely stand up.

And there was a moment last week where I realised I was actually looking forward to it! Which surprised me.

I did miss a day because i didn’t leave myself enough time. And I felt that little pang of “oh, I’ve let myself down”.

But instead of letting that turn into a whole thing and beat8ng myself up, I just noticed it.

And carried on the next day as normal.

Which, again, feels like a shift.

At the weekend I was with my university friends.

There are nine of us In the ‘gang’, and we’ve been meeting up like this since we graduated in 1988. Three times a year, without fail these get-togethers happen. Sometimes we don’t all make it – there were seven this weekend.

Births, deaths, marriages, divorces, kids, elderly parents, illness… all of it has happened in between those meet ups, but they still happen. We even met online during lockdown.

There’s something about that kind of consistency that feels very grounding.

When I’m with them, I’m “Lis”.

No airs and graces required. No need to be anything other than exactly how we feel in that moment.

We went out for an Italian, had a sleepover, chatted, laughed, ate cake, the usual. Nothing fancy, but actually everything, really.

And now I have next week to look foward to, as I’m off to Spain for a retreat with five other women in business, all at a similar stage of life.

The theme is “creating life by design” and I can feel that I’m ready for those conversations.

Not in a big dramatic “everything needs to change” way but more of a quiet curiosity.

Am I on the right path for me now and what do I actually want the next ten years to look like?

What does working less and living more really mean for me, in reality, not just as a nice idea.

How do I want my time to feel?

Who do I want to be in it?

When I look at this past week as a whole, it would be easy to see it as a bit of a mixed bag.

Admin. Emotions. Movement. Friends. Travel plans.

But it doesn’t feel that random really. It feels like one of those weeks where life is gently reminding me…

You can hold all of it.

The focus and the resistance.

The pride and the ache.

The discipline and the creativity.

The independence and the longing.

The past that’s held you… and the future that’s still unfolding.

There isn’t a neat answer to any of it. And maybe there doesn’t need to be.

Maybe this is just what it looks like to be in a moment where things are shifting slightly, not in a big, obvious way, but enough for you to feel it.

Enough to know something’s moving.

If you’re in a week like that as well…

Where nothing’s exactly wrong, but everything feels a bit… in motion…

You’re not off track.

You’re in it.

And sometimes, that’s the most honest place to be.